Help! I Hate My Aging Body

marycoupland5
Apr 17
4 min read

By Ellen Uzelac, AARP, March 2025

A woman says she used to be a stunner; now she feels like a 'rotten rose.' I have a friend in her 50s who has always been beautifully curvy with washboard abs and kick-ass clothes. She was as comfortable in her skin as anyone I’ve known — until now.

Menopause — and its attendant weight gain, in her case — has upended her self-esteem. I know many of you will relate.

This week, our experts offer guidance on how to accept, honor and cherish the older bodies we now inhabit. I found their remarks powerful.

All my life, I’ve had a gorgeous six-foot body. Now, at 65, I feel like the dried out, sagging, rotten rose in the bouquet that needs to be taken out and thrown away. I’ve never been vain, but I cannot stand my body. It’s gotten so bad that I don’t want to get naked with my husband. Does every woman go through this? How does one deal with this?

Certified sexuality educator Tameca N. Harris-Jackson says it’s helpful to recognize that what you are feeling is not unique. “You’re not alone,” she says. “There’s a community that understands you. It’s a shared experience.”

It’s common to feel you should look a certain way — the way you used to, Harris-Jackson says. “What we see in the mirror and what we experience and feel are different. You wake up one day, and you don’t recognize yourself.”

Now, how to handle that change. Harris-Jackson urges you to share your story with your friend group . “Talk and laugh over it. When you can laugh about it, you can normalize it,” she adds. “You’ll end up thinking: ‘It’s not as horrible as I thought.’ "

Here are some additional strategies that may help you gain a new perspective:

Acknowledge your loss.

What you are experiencing is called disenfranchised grief — sadness you’re not supposed to talk about, according to certified sex therapist Rosara Torrisi.

“When you lose a pet, your friends know about it and comfort you. This is different,” she says. “There are no rituals around it. We don’t have a framework for how to grieve it.”

But, she adds, you can create your own meaningful rituals to help you mourn the loss of your younger body and connect with the body you have now.

"Create a moment where you acknowledge your sadness, your loss, feel it, cry, grieve, sit still for some time — and let it pass. Then do something to close it out and let it go for the moment." Torrisi says one example would be to light a candle, feel your feelings and accept whatever thoughts come. And then when you "feel that cloud pass," blow out the candle, take a breath and then go on with your day.

If you find it difficult to come up with rituals, she recommends talking to a therapist with training in grief or trauma counseling.

Be kind to yourself, not judgmental.

Expecting our bodies to look the same in older age isn’t realistic, says certified sex therapist Amanda Pasciucco — and when we look at ourselves with judgment, it can be harmful.

As Pasciucco puts it: “Have you ever talked to someone critically? Did they look happier after? Most people are harmed by judgment because we are all sensitive in some way.”

Your body houses your spirit — the essence of who you are, Harris-Jackson says, adding: “You say ‘I hate.’ No one wants to be in a home that they hate. It only perpetuates the cycle of loathing.”

And, to stick with the metpahor you raised in your question, Torrisi says that fresh roses and dried roses are both beautiful. “People preserve dried roses — and hold on to them because they are dear to them,” she adds. “This body of yours is still capable of pleasure, connection and joy.”

Work on your inner dialogue.

Pasciucco recommends a daily exercise that involves looking at the body neutrally. She says to look in the mirror and say things like, “I love you” or “I value you” to yourself.

Start with a clothed body and advance to a naked body. If you do the exercise for at least 40 days and up to a year, Pasciucco says that consistent positive reinforcement will help you reclaim a healthier body image.

Similarly, Harris-Jackson suggests giving thanks to the “home” that you’ve been living in for 65 years — and honoring its scars, wrinkles and sagging skin. Also, identify just one thing you’re grateful for. As an example, you might not like your arms, but express gratitude for the shoulders and back that have carried your family forward over the years.

“You don’t have to love your body,” she says. “Aim for gratitude and then move into a space of appreciation.”

Look at your body through someone else’s eyes.

Torrisi suggests asking your husband: What do you appreciate about my body? What is new that you like? “He might appreciate that her once perky boobs now dangle, and he can play with them more,” she says.

Torrisi also recommends hiring a boudoir photographer specializing in sensual, intimate and romantic images. “This is someone who can really help you see your body and its beauty just the way it is,” she says. “You can see that gaze on your body, literally through someone else’s lens, and internalize it. You’re internalizing reality. You’re not lying to yourself; you really are that sexy.”

Tune in to the pleasures of your body.

Learn how to be in your body in a way that feels good, says certified sex therapist Nan Wise. Take a sensual shower. Walk in nature. Dance.

“Pay attention to your body. Listen to it, move it, share it,” she says. “Get out of your head, get out of your judgment and experience what it feels like to appreciate your body. If the only thing you focus on is what you don’t like, it’s all you’re going to see. Think about good sex and connection, not about how your body looks.”